The CRRs don’t even have a clue who United’s incompetent President and CEO is (by the way, its Glenn F Tilton, and you can more than likely waste more of your precious time to no avail by addressing a letter to him at the Lack of Customer Relations address at United’s World Headquarters in Chicago, which is apprently a suburb of some metropolis in India, at the following address: P O Box 66100, Chicago, Illinois 60666 (or as I read it 6-0-sign-of-the-devil).

You can also use their direct-to-India unimpowered Customer Relations voice line at 877.228.1327, option 5, should you desire to speak to a living, breathing, unempowered human being half way around the world that you can’t understand, and cannot relate to you as a severely wronged customer.

Don’t feel so bad, though: those of us that fly the damn thing 25,000 to 50,000 miles a year get the same indifference and incompetence as you have received. It just seems to be how United Airlines of India, Malaysia and the Philippines does business from its headquarters in the United States.

Someone should start an “Airways Lameness Quotient” website. Useful information, that.

My tip, which may or may not work: find out the name and address of someone with exec power of decision at United. Write a letter of complaint with bullet points detailing exactly your experience of their lameness, and how they could improve. Use exec-speak. Be polite. Sign with your real name and your address. You’ll get a reply, though you may not get an apology. You never know - you might spur them to clean up their act, unless it’s been an executive decision in the first place to inconvenience you so you never use your vouchers. In which case United Airlines can go stand in the corner of shame along with British Airways, under the banner of “Airlines I Will Fly Only If You Literally Put A Gun To My Head.”